And it was only a short run too.

I had a little jaunt around the woods this afternoon, it was quite lovely, there was a bit of sun and everything, just to remind me that the universe is a lovely place.

Because I’m a bit random about route-finding, there was a sizeable hill in the middle of the run. Not such a grand plan after two and half weeks of no running. As I plodded my wheezy way up, I rediscovered my arms, which I’d misplaced some time earlier. To be honest I’ve got arms that pipe cleaners would laugh at, and then probably beat me in an arm wrestle. It does come in handy if I ever have to pick something up that’s on the other side of a wall made of Polo mints, which happens more often than you would think.

By pumping these impressive contraptions in time with my spindly legs I found I could make slightly better headway than my usual clumpy struggling. Not bad, though the trick is in the timing – turns out if you get the timing wrong, then you run the risk of falling over in the brambles. Ouchie.

Then I remembered my gluteus maximus, or arse as you might call it. Wikipedia points out that it’s “the most superficial of the three gluteus muscles”, and I have to agree that it’s never come up with any deep opinions so far. Last time I was out I’d read something along the lines of “move your arse when you go uphill”. Not in the usual motivational “get a shift on” sense, but in a “swing your bum to move the ol’ hips” style. I remembered that it had worked quite well last time, so I gave that a go too.

Disaster.

It turns out I can only think about one body part at a time, but then I am a man, so that should be no surprise. Trying to co-opt two component parts into the conspiracy that is my running at the same time is entirely beyond me. The only way to achieve this lofty aim would be to get one worked out and second nature and then concentrate on the other. But which one first?

And that’s my dilemma (lemma is a Greek character shaped like the horns of a bull (∑) and di-lemma, meaning “two lemma”  leads to the popular (perhaps if you’re an ancient Greek) saying of being ‘caught on the horns of the bull’) – which one will help more? Possibly the answer is ‘either’, but that doesn’t really move the conversation along.

I reckon the arm pumping would look mighty fine, so long as I don’t overdo it, but then the arse-moving sounds like it would be good for the muscles. Am I so shallow that I would make a decision based on what would look like? Clearly not (oh yes I would).

Oh, the agony of choice…

What would you do?

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